Most women would rather be the wife of a high value man, than the side dish of a high value man.
Because women need and desire emotional and physical investment from great men in order to feel secure, safe and happy.
The biggest issue is that most women have no idea about the right things to focus on, in order to get the wife status and the devotion that they desire.
Here’s the deal:
Being a man’s wife doesn’t mean he’s devoted to you.
Men marry women for all kinds of reasons. Some of these reasons are good reasons.
Some of them are bad reasons. Like pressure from family, or just that they got old enough that they thought they should “settle down” with the best option they had available to them.
As a woman, your actual energy and focus should be on the real prize: being a man’s one and only woman.
Because men will very quickly place you in either one of two categories.
1: The category of ‘one of many’ women.
2: The category of ‘one and only’ woman.
You can be a wife, and still be in the one of many category. This is what a lot of women neglect to realise.
Just because you’re a wife, or you are ‘wife material’, doesn’t mean you are his one and only.
This is so critical.
So critical in fact, that I made a program on it called “Becoming His One & Only: 5 Secrets To Have Your Chosen Man Fall In Love With You & BEG You To Be His One & Only.”
What is wife material exactly?
Wife material are the habits of behaviour that make you a safe bet for a man to ‘wife’ you.
When a makes a woman his wife, he’s taking a risk. A risk with his time, energy and finances.
If he doesn’t have anyone around whom he is in love with, then when he gets old enough, or feels enough pressure from those around him, then he will pick the woman who seems the most ‘wifeable’.
What makes a woman marriage material?
Here are some wife material traits:
- She is not a party girl.
- She hasn’t been around the block (ie: rode the cock carousel) and spent most of her youth having casual sex. (Read this article on Think Casual Sex is Harmless? Think Again.)
- She is not abusive.
- She doesn’t engage in behaviour that perpetually pushes a man away. (See this article on signs you push men away).
- She is happy to spend time looking after the home, cleaning, and taking care of children.
- She doesn’t harbour an irreversible sense of resentment for men. (Here’s an article on your resentment for men…)
- She enjoys sex and doesn’t see his desire for sex as evil (or as a burden).
- She is faithful.
- She is happy with this man’s earnings and status.
- She has her own identity outside of the marriage/relationship.
- She has her own opinions and can carry on a conversation when she needs to.
- She is generally not psychopathic.
- She doesn’t emasculate him!
Wife Material is nothing compared to being the ‘One and Only’ Woman…
All the typical traits that make a woman ‘wife material’ or ‘marriage’ material sound pretty standard (if boring) to me.
Don’t aim to be wife material.
Aim to be in the one and only woman category. Because being a wife is no guarantee that he is in love with you, is loyal to you, or sees you as his one and only.
Marriage can possibly be an external symbol that you’re the one and only, but it is far from a guarantee.
It is only when you’re the one and only woman that you can ensure that all his emotional resources, time and energy are reserved only for you.
Plenty of men marry a woman who is in their ‘one of many’ basket. This is one reason why men cheat as well.
But when you’re the one and only woman, you have the qualities and the vulnerability that makes you the type of woman that men fall in love with!
Men don’t fall in love with wife material
Men do not fall in love with you because you’re ‘wife material’.
They fall in love with you because you’re a high value woman who displays high value vulnerability!
Wife material has nothing to do with making a man fall in love. Any woman can display traits of being wife material if she focuses on it hard enough.
But here’s the problem:
Is that where your focus should be?
Or should it be on you becoming the one and only type of woman?
Because always remember that men will keep women around for years and have sex with them, but never intend to commit. (Here is why men keep you around even if they don’t want a relationship.)
It is only when you are the one and only woman that he will commit to you emotionally and beg you to be his one and only – for life!
If you would like me to take your hand and walk you through the steps and the process of showing up as the one and only, so that you never get categorised as the ‘one of many’ again, check out “Becoming His One & Only”.
I Am Wife Material, I’m A Good Woman. Why Did He Leave Me?
My assistant forwarded me this question the other day:
“I met my guy in Feb 2020 from Okcupid. In March 2020 (3 weeks later) he asked me to be his girl. In April 2020 he asked me to move into his house. Aug 3, 2020, he broke up with me.
I cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, etc. I am wife material, I know that much. Around May he started to back off, but I did not see the signs because I was still on a love high.”
Why would he give up a good woman? (he said I am everything he has been looking for)
Was I too available and what exactly does that mean? (he said I was a little clingy but he understood I was in a new area)
Why did he have to lie to get away? (he said he felt bad when he would leave me and go out)
Why does he still want me even though he doesn’t want me?
When he broke up with me? He said he is not ready for a relationship and he is depressed and doesn’t know what he wants.
I have so many questions for you I would like to call you and pick you mind I’ve printed and read all of your stories. I DON’T KNOW WHY I WANT HIM BACK – HE WAS GOOD TO ME, PLEASE HELP.”
>>>>> MY ANSWER.
I’ll answer your questions and then give you further illustrations at the end.
“Why would he give up a good woman?”
There are a few possibilities as to why
- He liked you a lot, and genuinely felt you were wonderful, but was too scared to commit (or didn’t have enough reasons to commit).
And what you had to offer wasn’t what HE needed in order to overcome his commitment resistance.
2. He told you what you wanted to hear (you’re “everything he ever wanted”) because he knows that we CAN fall for a man’s words, rather than his actions…
All so that he could have the convenience of having a girlfriend and regular intimacy until he got sick of it.
Even better if you live there and took care of the cleaning and he didn’t have to work that much for the good company and sex.
Related: 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.
3. You were his ‘One of Many’ rather than ‘The One and only.’
My husband David teaches about this very important insight about men in our Commitment Control 2.0 program.
You rather be ‘The One’ than be Wife Material
Here’s the deal:
Wife material is kind of ok…it’s not wonderful though.
You can sort of take it as a compliment, but it is like the ‘level down’ from being ‘The One’.
Because when you’re ‘The One’, the man is madly in love with you…not just ticking off the boxes that say you COULD be good for marriage.
When you are ‘The One’, there’s no choice but to have you be his one and only woman for life…marriage comes easy for you then.
Here are 5 Signs he is falling madly in love with you.
Were you too available and what exactly does that mean?
This is irrelevant.
Being too available is not an issue if two people are falling in love (which I don’t believe you both were, from the information I have).
Do you ever see two madly in love people counting the minutes and days they spend with each other and obsessing over not being too available?
Or is that more for people who feel like the relationship is not secure?
When a relationship is not secure, women resort to fantasizing about whether they were too available, so they can justify why the relationship didn’t turn out to be what they wanted in their fantasy land.
I don’t believe that being too available is the question. (See my article on whether you’re being taken for granted)
The better question to ask yourself:
“Did I add value to that man’s life?
Or was I giving whatever I assumed would be valuable to him without even questioning if it was High Value in his mind?”
Why did he have to lie to get away?
I’m not sure how he tried to get away or what you mean EXACTLY….
But the answer is because people will lie to get what they want.
If they developed any brains at all while they were growing up, most of us have the ability and the ‘smarts’ to do this when we want something.
Does this mean he had to be so immature about it? No, not at all. What he did was NOT right.
But it is what it is. You have permission to hate him for it.
(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)
Why does he still want you even if he doesn’t want you?
Because men will keep you around even if they don’t want a relationship with you. Here’s the exact reason why.
And because you were/are the one of many woman.
Which makes you good for keeping around for a steady supply of company, sex, attention and validation.
And the fact that you display the traits of being wife material makes you kind of less maintenance to keep around as well.
What you guys had together sounded too convenient for both of you.
He got intimacy and good company. You got a good company, intimacy and some hope that you guys might be in a committed marriage or relationship sometime soon.
This is NOT the best way to start off a long-term relationship.
It just seems like you both went into it to take something.
Whether that be approval, sex or company.
But none of those things are what makes a relationship passionate or loving.
That’s a WARNING sign that it’s that kind of relationship where you both just entered with transactions in mind.
Relationships shouldn’t be transactions…think about when you’re in love.
When you’re in love you don’t ‘count’ how much you’re getting back or say ‘well if you’re not gonna commit to marriage I’m not gonna commit to regular sex with you’.
You only do that when you want each other for something.
Again, that’s not right or wrong. It is just what it is.
People do what they need to do to get by in this life…it’s not always pretty.
You do have a choice though.
What I do here is I encourage you to want the best and be High Value. Here is an article on how to be a high value woman to men.
Only THEN do you get to CHOOSE from the best men and not try to settle for men who run away at the slightest mention of responsibility!
As for any further insight into what else COULD have been happening with you guys based on the little information that I have…here’s what I have to say…
I’ll give you a quick illustration.
You meet a guy.
You date him for 2 months.
You decide not to have sex with him until you’re comfortable.
By the end of the 2 months, you both still haven’t had sex and you break up with him.
He then asks a mutual friend of the both of you these questions:
“Why didn’t she have sex with me?”
“I know I’m hot enough, I make enough money, and have a big enough dick for her to sleep with me, that’s for sure.”
“PLEASE HELP SHE WAS GETTING WARM AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME BUT SHE NEVER DID.”
Think for a moment. What would you say to this man asking this question?
What would you feel, reading his question?
I’m not sure what you would feel about him exactly, but I could take a few wild guesses if I wanted to.
Perhaps you’d open your mouth wide in shock thinking how could he just focus on the sex like that??
Didn’t he even CARE about her?
Do you feel what I feel about this hypothetical man’s questions?
Most women would; at least if they read his questions carefully and thought about the questions.
Women would hate this man’s questions because of a few reasons:
1) He wins the competition for who is Captain Selfish.
2) He makes a bunch of assumptions about the woman (a completely different creature to him).
3) He doesn’t look like he ever had enough compassion towards her.
Back to you, Bernadette…
First of all, I thank you for asking direct and succinct questions. This is great and easy for me to read!
I do have a question for you though…
What makes you think HE felt inspired to commit to you?
Is it because he invited you to live with him?
Is it because he asked you to be his ‘girl’?
There’s a difference between feeling like he has a convenient partner and feeling like he has a truly good, high value woman.
And then it’s a whole other WORLD to feeling like he has a woman who is his one and only.
It seems all so confusing, doesn’t it?
Why did he ask you to be his girl, invite you into his home, and then randomly disappear?
How frustrating and confusing.
Here’s the thing:
If I was you, I wouldn’t feel so upset about this.
Because if I was you, I’d see that you were playing the exact same game as he is.
You were both playing the game of:
“What can I TAKE from this person?”
Rather than the game of: “how can I add value to this person?” Or –
How can I show up high value?
Here is an article I wrote where I discuss this topic of showing up high value further: How To Get A Boyfriend: Avoid These 3 Things & Get One QUICK.
He told you nice things to your ears, invited you in, and all these things seem like a commitment, is that right?
Well, maybe he was at one stage being somewhat committed. Maybe. But here’s the thing about men…
What he says means nothing. It takes zero commitment to say nice things to you.
This is because men know that lovely words get women into bed with them.
For future reference, here are the top 3 dating red flags to be on alert for.
When it comes to committing to a woman, the smart ones suddenly become VERY cautious. VERY scared.
Did you care about him?
I’m not sure if I believe that you cared THAT much.
You say: “please help he was good to me“
I’m assuming you mean this:
“He seemed close to committing to a relationship with me and giving up everything he ever knew to be with me. OMG what happened to that?
I wanted his commitment? I thought I was worthy of his commitment?!”
Well…were you good to him?
Do you think washing the dishes and cleaning is being good to him?
And by being ‘good’, I really mean:
Did HE perceive VALUE in what you were doing for him?
It’s an interesting question worth asking yourself.
After all, aren’t these questions you would like a man to ask himself about YOU?
Wouldn’t that be nice?
And doing the cleaning and washing won’t always just make you wife material, let alone high value.
A few things that make you high value is how much light and dark feminine energy you show up with.
Whether you are both of these energies across the spectrum.
What matters is whether YOU have the kind of feminine energy he would commit to.
Sure, cooking and cleaning might give a woman a few more points in a man’s mind.
But the men who are the most sensitive to their wife’s needs, are in love and the most in tune with their wife MIGHT even wish she didn’t do it.
Because they’d rather feel her soul and feel the gift of her feminine energy. Many men rather they paid a cleaner to do the cleaning, if that’s in his budget.
Why? Because a woman is more free when she doesn’t feel like she constantly MUST clean in order to feel worthy and high value.
What if what makes you high value is actually the gift of your presence, your appreciation, love and support?
What if what he truly perceives value in, and what he needs is actually something vastly different than what you’ve blindly been giving him?
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.
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